Hey founders.

In yesterday’s newsletter, we talked about gaslighting and narcissistic traits - how psychological manipulation in professional relationships can distort your sense of reality. Today, we’re exploring another complex, often misunderstood psychological profile: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and the traits that sometimes emerge in emotionally intense founder environments.

Whether you’re leading a startup or working closely with intense personalities, understanding BPD traits can help you regulate your responses, protect your emotional bandwidth, and better navigate chaotic dynamics.

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What is BPD - and why does it matter at work?

Borderline Personality Disorder is a clinical diagnosis characterized by:

• Emotional dysregulation (intense and rapidly shifting moods)

• Fear of abandonment

• Unstable sense of self

• Impulsive or self-destructive behavior

• Black-and-white (all-or-nothing) thinking

While clinical BPD affects 1.8% of the population, many people exhibit subclinical BPD traits, especially under chronic stress or unresolved trauma.

In startup environments, already high-pressure and uncertainty-driven, these traits can manifest in co-founders, employees, clients, or even ourselves.

How to recognize you’re in a BPD-like dynamic

I was once at a work event that was organised by a co-worker, and I had to excuse myself to take a meeting during the evening. The conversation went like this:

Me: “What time do guests start arriving? I have two calls during the event that I can not reschedule, sorry about that.“

Co-worker: “Why is everything about your time more important than the others? Have you thought about my emotions? Can you at least take care of my emotions?“

Now let’s break it down:

• Emotional reactivity & personalization

  “Why is everything about your time more important than the others?”

  This suggests an intense emotional reaction to a neutral logistical statement. It reflects how individuals with BPD can perceive minor actions as deep personal rejections, especially when feeling excluded or disregarded.

• Shifting focus from event to emotional validation

  “Have you thought about my emotions?”
  While it’s healthy to express emotions, this shift shows a need for constant reassurance and prioritization of their feelings, even when the situation isn’t about them directly.

• Sense of entitlement to emotional caretaking

  “Can you at least take care of my emotions?”
  The implied ending here suggests emotional enmeshment — expecting others to preemptively care for or regulate their emotions, which is a hallmark of BPD relational patterns.

❗Caveats:

• One-off vs. pattern: Everyone can have moments of stress or sensitivity. BPD is a pattern of intense, unstable relationships, fear of abandonment, and emotional dysregulation over time.

• Other possible causes: Traits like these can also appear in narcissistic tendencies, anxious attachment styles, or even from burnout - not only BPD.

Conversations like this can often leave us confused, emotionally drained, guilty, and like they’re walking on eggshells. The key patterns are manipulative closeness, reactivity, and instability - which may not be intentional, but stem from intense internal emotional chaos in individuals with BPD.

Ask yourself:

• Am I constantly questioning what I did wrong after every interaction?

• Do I feel like I’m being emotionally yanked back and forth?

• Do small disagreements escalate into intense conflict - and then disappear without resolution?

• Do I feel responsible for someone else’s emotional state?

If these sound familiar, you may be caught in a BPD-style relational pattern.

So what can you do?

Here are compassionate yet firm responses to each of the three BPD-trait conversations. These replies aim to acknowledge emotion, maintain boundaries, and avoid reinforcing emotional dysregulation — all while preserving professional respect and clarity. (You can read more here.)

🧨 1. Idealization & sudden devaluation

Them (Monday):
"You’re the only one who understands how hard I work. I feel like I finally have someone I can trust on this team."

Them (Thursday):
"I can’t believe you didn’t back me up in the meeting. You’re just like everyone else. I thought we were on the same side."

Your Response:

"I care about working well with you, and I’m always open to feedback. But I want to be clear — not agreeing in a meeting doesn’t mean I don’t respect or support you. It just means we had different views on that specific topic. Let’s keep focusing on the work, not turning it into sides."

💡 Why this works:
This response validates their need for collaboration without over-identifying with the emotional extremes. It reinforces reality-based thinking and relational consistency.

🧷 2. Abandonment sensitivity & testing behavior

You:
"I’m stepping out for a client call for about an hour. I’ll check in with you afterward."

Them:
"Fine. I guess you have better things to do than support your team. I just feel like I’m always left to deal with everything alone."

Your Response:

"I hear that you’re feeling unsupported, and I want to make sure you’re okay. I have to step away for this call, but I’ll be back soon and happy to help with whatever’s urgent. You’re not alone here — let’s talk once I’m done."

💡 Why this works:
This acknowledges emotion without reinforcing guilt manipulation. It maintains your boundary (taking your call) while offering structure and reassurance.

🔁 3. Emotional flooding & crisis creation

You:
"Hey, we’re going to need a few edits on your report before sending it to the client."

Them (visibly distressed):
"You always find something wrong. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this job. Honestly, I don’t know why I even try anymore."

Your response:

"I can see this feedback hit hard — and that’s not my intention. You’re a valuable part of the team, and edits are a normal part of the process. Let’s take a breather and revisit this in 20 minutes with fresh eyes."

💡 Why this works:
This de-escalates the situation by naming the distress, normalizing the feedback, and offering containment (i.e. a time-bound pause) to avoid spiraling.

This is about emotional safety, not pathology.

Whether someone has a diagnosis or not, what matters is your felt sense of safety, clarity, and autonomy in the relationship.

You can’t control someone’s emotional world - but you can understand the patterns, shift your responses, and stop internalizing chaos that isn’t yours.

As always, hit reply if something in here hits home.

Until next week,
Lavena

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