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I'm Lavena Xu-Johnson. I write about psychology for founders. Because scaling a business means scaling ourselves first.
Happy Tuesday, founders,
This is embarrassing.
But I had to admit to myself I am still learning to set boundaries with people who keep asking for more - pushing, testing and stretching the limits of what I can give - until I slide into the role of the the ‘rescuer’ in certain relationships.
You know the story: you’re the giver, the fixer, the helper, and the safe place. You lend your shoulder, your time and your resources, to help them through their dark hours. Then, when your own storm hits, you reach for their shoulder - only to find yourself on the floor, face-first. Because they are: Still, Only, Talking, About themselves. Oh, and asking more from you. Worse - blaming you for not helping the ‘right’ way or not helping enough.
Sliding into the rescuer role often starts with blurred boundaries, those moments when we avoid saying “no,” failing to draw the lines, or skip setting the systems that protect our time and energy. When that role becomes your default, it becomes less about the other person’s overreach, and more about our own - the untested assumptions and the unspoken agreement with others that keep us stuck.
Quick poll: When someone near you at work (or in your personal life) pushes boundaries, and you don’t speak up, what happens most often?
In my own frustration to finally learn this lesson for good, I’ve been thinking about how easily this dynamic can show up not just in our personal lives but also at work, and how costly it becomes when it goes unchecked.
Today, we’re going to unpack that, for everyone who’s silently nodding right now.
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Why it happens: The drama triangle
Karpman’s (1968) drama triangle describes three dysfunctional roles we can slip into - Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer. He also distinguished between authentic relationships and role relationships.
In an authentic relationship, both people actively shape the terms of the relationship together. There’s open dialogue, mutual choice, and respect for each other’s autonomy.
In role relationships, by contrast, we act on untested assumptions - what we think the other person needs, feels, or is capable of, without checking if it’s true. This can lead us to unintentionally undermine their skills, ignore their agency, or misinterpret their intentions. Over time, these unchecked assumptions keep us locked in rigid roles rather than real connection.
The drama triangle, Karpman 1986
In founder-hood, the rescuer role is seductive. It feels like:
Protecting your culture: “If I don’t step in, who will”
Maintaining quality: “If I don’t fix this, the client will churn”
Being a ‘good’ leader: “I take care of my people”
But over-functioning erodes leadership autonomy, breeds dependency, and consumes your strategic bandwidth.
Ps. Over the next two weeks, we’ll explore the other two roles in this triangle, and the subtle ways they can derail your leadership.
How others experience your rescuer role
When you keep stepping in even for the people who push and test your limits, they don’t just see your help, they reinterpret it.
As permission
Every time you say “yes” when you meant “no,” you silently tell them your boundaries are flexible.
As validation
Your repeated help confirms their belief that their needs should take priority, regardless of your own capacity.
As confirmation you’ll always fix it
The more you rescue, the less urgency they feel to problem-solve on their own.
Over time, this dynamic hardens. You become the expected solution, not a leader or peer in an equal relationship. They stop asking if you can help and start assuming you will.
This can feel exhausting, and once people believe your capacity is endless, your “no” will feel like betrayal, not a boundary.
Whether you’re 5 people or 50, this trap feels the same
The early-stage story
You’ve got a 5-person team. It’s lean, it’s personal. One team member starts DM’ing you at all hours - questions, approvals, emotional venting. At first, you reply because it’s “just faster.” But before long, you’ve taught them: Your time is always available. Now you’re making their calls for them instead of building product or closing sales.
The scale-up story
You grow to 30+ people and add a management layer. A senior hire keeps escalating small conflicts to you instead of solving them, because you’ve trained them (unintentionally) that you’ll “step in.” Another manager constantly asks for more budget, more headcount, more exceptions - testing whether your “no” really means no. Meanwhile, your co-founder leans on you for all investor communications and issues, despite having split responsibilities.
If you’ve been in “rescuer mode” for too long, you end up not leading a company, you’re running a help desk for emotionally and operationally dependent people.
Research on over-functioning in leadership (Margaret, 2009) shows that constantly stepping in, whether for a struggling team member, an early hire who’s out of depth, or even a co-founder, fundamentally changes the power dynamic in your organisation.
Erodes leadership autonomy
When you jump in before others have had the chance to wrestle with a challenge, you unintentionally take away the chance for them to build confidence in their own decision-making. Over time, managers become risk-averse. They’ll delay or avoid taking ownership because they’ve internalised the idea that you will ultimately override or fix their calls. This erodes not just their autonomy, but the culture of leadership you need at scale.Breeds dependency
In psychology, this mirrors learned helplessness - when people stop trying because they’ve learned that someone else will take control. The more you solve, the less they prepare. They don’t think two steps ahead because the mental model is: “If it’s truly important, you’ll step in.” In a startup, that’s lethal. Dependency clogs decision speed and creates single points of failure — you.Consumes strategic bandwidth
Every tactical fire you put out pulls you away from the work only you can do: securing funding, closing partnerships, shaping culture at scale, or positioning the company in the market. Every time you get pulled into low-level problem-solving, part of your mental energy stays stuck there, then attention residue occurs - your ability to think creatively and strategically for the long term erodes, often without you realising it.
Over-functioning keeps the team small. The more your day is consumed with fixing today’s messes, the less mental oxygen you have to architect tomorrow.
Founder-specific exit strategies from ‘the rescuer’ role
Operationalise your “no”
Don’t just say ‘no’, embed it in systems that doesn’t require re-negotiation each time, Make it a procedural protocol, not personal.
Default to coaching, not fixing
When someone brings you a problem, resist solving it. Ask: “What’s your recommended action?”
Track leadership escalations
Create a monthly track sheet and log every time someone escalates issues to you. If the same person keep popping up, patterns emerge, that’s a coaching or replacement conversation.
Protect high-leverage hours
If your mornings are when you’re most strategic, block them. No “quick questions,” no crisis calls. Let people adapt when you’re not the immediate safety net.
This week’s challenge:
Audit your past month’s “rescues.” Whether you’re at 5 people or 50, identify one recurring “rescue” you’ve been doing. Replace it with a system or expectation that removes you from the loop.
Boundaries are the moat that protect our energy, clarity, and longevity. Without them, we risk building a company at the cost of burning ourselves out.
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As always, hit reply if something in here hits home.
Until next week,
Lavena
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