To everyone new this week: welcome. You being here means more than you know. Knowing it lands with someone like you keeps me going.

I'm Lavena Xu-Johnson. I write about psychology for founders. Why? Because scaling a business means scaling ourselves first.

Happy Tuesday, founders,

Socialisation is one of the most important parts of building our businesses, and often we step out of our comfort zones to spark new partnerships. Sometimes those moments become beautiful friendships beyond work.

As I relocate to a completely new continent, ‘getting into the local network’ has been on my mind, and socialisation for work is naturally popping up in my schedule. First meetings have a lot of nuance; you’re gauging and testing, and the encounter can feel exhilarating, connecting, settling, or nerve-wracking. I remember as a child, whenever I was asked what superpower I wanted from a Genie, my answer was almost always “mind reading.” (Definitely do not want this superpower now. No thanks, Genie :P) As I grew older, it slowly occurred to me that ‘mind reading’ is a skill, not a magic trick. It’s a way of paying attention and tuning to another person. It’s a way of seeing, and being seen.

And when people feel understood and treated with care, our influence grows.

In the past few weeks, we’ve been writing about intimate work relationships that can be difficult to navigate. In the next few issues, let’s dive into nailing the beginning of a relationship - starting with how to read people during our first encounter. We will explore four ways to slow your attention, each accompanied by a study or theory, the researcher behind it, and simple practices you can apply in your next conversation.

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Dr. Robert Cialdini’s classic research described six reliable levers of influence: reciprocity, commitment and consistency, social proof, liking, authority, and scarcity. In 2016, he advanced the framework by introducing the final principle - Unity, the recognition that people are more receptive when they experience you as part of their in-group or as sharing a common fate.

When unity is between the lines, there is a sense of shared identity. When someone feels “you are one of us,” your message comes across as a friend rather than a stranger.

Pre-suasion: Cialdini uses this term to describe what happens before a message. Draw attention to a meaningful commonality before you ask for anything. Think of it as setting the stage so the conversation has the right lighting. The first minutes of an interaction are often spent doing this work quietly. A short cue, a shared reference point, a reminder of a joint stake. When attention is oriented toward a truthful “we,” people unconsciously open the door a little wider.

In-group: Social identity research shows that we make faster, more generous attributions to members of our own group. “In-group” can be formal, like profession or alma mater, or situational, like two operators facing the same market constraint.

Shared-fate: goes one step deeper. It is the sense that what happens to you affects me. Interdependence increases care and cooperation because outcomes feel linked. In practice, the boundary between “your problem” and “my problem” softens, which changes both risk tolerance and information sharing.

What changes in the first five minutes?

Belonging is built through small, credible signals that answer three quiet questions:

How to practice:

There is a quiet move that strengthens Unity and sets up pre-suasion: ask for advice rather than opinion. The word you choose changes how people place themselves in the conversation. “Opinion” turns the other person into a judge who stands apart and evaluates. “Advice” invites a collaborator who steps inside the problem with you.

In his newer 2016 book Pre-suation, Cialdini cites a 2011 study in which participants reviewed a new fictional restaurant concept and were asked for either their advice, their opinion, or their expectations. When researchers later measured how likely they were to try the restaurant, those who had given advice were the most willing. The act of advising pulled them closer to the organisation - and interestingly, they had to briefly adopt the restaurant’s perspective. The same shift shows up in professional settings: advice-givers offer more constructive, forward-moving input and evaluate the idea more favourably.

When you begin with belonging, you read someone more accurately because you have located them inside a context you both recognise. You also connect faster because people extend latitude to insiders. Pre-suasion sets the scene, and unity is the bridge for a deeper connection. The rest of the conversation can then be about substance rather than surface-level small talk.

Today, we slowed down to one idea. Begin with belonging - from Cialdini’s missing piece ‘Unity’ as part of his famous research in Influence. Belonging gives you that first opening because people listen differently when they feel you stand with them.

We will continue with number two. We will learn to read context first, then a person’s baseline, then the meaningful shifts that appear around specific topics. We will visit the thin-slicing research and translate it into questions that test our impressions without jumping to conclusions.

In the following issues, we will cover two more pillars. We will clear up what nonverbal cues can and cannot do, and how congruence and gentle mimicry support trust without performance theatre. We will also design follow-ups that feel like care. Expect evidence on why follow-up questions increase liking, why simple gratitude lands more than we predict, and how a light cadence builds familiarity into real relationships.

If you want those notes in your inbox, stay with me. We will keep the same pace. Slower. Truer. More useful in the room.

As always, hit reply if something in here hits home.

Until next week,
Lavena

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