Happy Tuesday, founders,

I wonder how many of you attend therapy or work with a coach.

Over the years in my own sessions, one recurring theme stands out: the work is often about identifying the hidden patterns we unconsciously fall into.

Something below the surface is guiding our decisions.

Not market trends.

Not your business model.

But invisible scripts, roles, and reactions that were installed long before our first pitch deck.

This week, I’ve been diving into Games People Play by Eric Berne, the father of Transactional Analysis. His premise? We all play unconscious psychological “games” - patterned interactions that fulfil hidden emotional needs.

They’re not fun games.

They’re not strategic games.

They’re psychological survival games we learned to play years ago - and we’re still playing them in boardrooms, in pitch decks, and probably in Slack threads today.

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🧠 Founders play the same games

In Eric Berne’s Games People Play, a classic in psychology that uncovers how we all engage in subtle, unconscious "games" in our relationships. Whether we’re closing deals, hiring talent, or negotiating equity splits, many of us are often acting out patterns that have less to do with strategy and more to do with emotion.

Berne’s theory of Transactional Analysis (TA) breaks our psyche into three ego states:

• Parent (critical, nurturing)

• Adult (rational, data-driven)

• Child (emotional, reactive)

Every conversation - yes, even your co-founder squabble or investor pitch - is a transaction between these states. When a founder reacts defensively in a board meeting, that might be the Child reacting to perceived criticism from a Parent-like investor. The healthiest state? The Adult: present, logical, and grounded in reality.

Eric Berne outlines dozens of psychological “games” in life we play, with names like:

• “Now I’ve got you, you son of a b*tch”

• “Why don’t you..? Yes, but”

• “If it weren’t for you”

• “Look how hard I’ve tried”

• “See what you made me do”

Each game is a loop: it has a script, roles, rewards, and inevitable outcomes. Berne says most adult conflict, especially in power dynamics, isn’t about logic, but about playing out these scripts.

One striking example from the book is the game called “Why don’t you - Yes, but.” A person presents a problem, and others offer solutions. Each solution is met with a “Yes, but…” reply. It looks like brainstorming, but it’s actually a way to dodge responsibility and gain attention. How often have we sat in strategy meetings that feel eerily similar?

In startup culture, this shows up as:

• “Why don’t you pivot?” - “Yes, but our investors wouldn’t go for it.”

• “Why don’t you hire a COO?” - “Yes, but I don’t trust anyone to run operations.”

• “If it weren’t for this investor, I’d be scaling right now.”

• “Why don’t you try this?” - “Yeah, but we don’t have the budget for that.”

• “I’ve done everything for this team. They just don’t care.”

• “No one supports me like I support everyone else.”

Founders may unconsciously play these roles to maintain control, avoid vulnerability, or simply repeat old dynamics. And the more success we build, the more sophisticated our games become.

They give us a secret emotional payoff - often victimhood, superiority, validation, or an excuse not to change.

Transactional Analysis gives us tools to catch these games in the act. Instead of reacting from the Child or preaching from the Parent, we train ourselves to return to the Adult - curious, clear-headed, and strategic. In high-stakes environments like startups, this can be the edge between emotional chaos and sustainable leadership.

🔍 What Berne discovered - and a story that says it all

Berne’s genius was in identifying how we transact from one state to another. Games usually happen when we think we’re interacting Adult-to-Adult - but someone’s actually showing up as their wounded Child or critical Parent.

In one story, Berne describes a patient named George who always failed just before success. He would almost land big deals, and then - sabotage. When asked why, George explained, “If I succeed, my dad will have nothing left to criticise.”

George had been playing a lifelong game called “See what you made me do” - internalising his father's disapproval and unconsciously sabotaging himself to maintain a dynamic he learned in childhood. His startup wasn't failing because of the market. It was failing because of a script.

Sound familiar?

How many founders are building companies with one hand - and unconsciously leading them to ashes with the other?

🪞 The payoff is comfort, not growth

One of Berne’s core ideas is this: people don’t change unless the cost of the game becomes higher than the emotional payoff.

So we say we want to scale, to grow, to evolve.

But we unconsciously replay scripts where we self-sabotage because those scripts feel… familiar. They make us feel righteous. They protect us from uncertainty. They let us play small while sounding like we’re trying big. “Growth” isn’t always progress. Sometimes it’s just a new set for the same old play.

👀 How to know you’re in a game (and opt out)

1. Look for repetitive frustration.
   If a story in your founder journey is stuck on repeat - same conflicts, same hires, same blockers - you're likely in a game.

2. Ask: What's the secret reward I’m getting?
   Maybe it’s not a responsibility. Maybe it’s not success. Maybe it’s just being “right.” Or feeling needed. Or avoiding risk.

3. Interrupt the script.
   Games require co-players. If you show up differently, the game collapses.

Sometimes, we don’t just need strategy, we need self-awareness.

💡 This week’s thought experiment

Ask yourself:

What’s the game I unconsciously keep playing - in business, in relationships, in how I lead?

What would happen if I opted out?

If that makes your stomach clench a little, good. That’s where the real growth is.

Ps. Here’s the link to the book if you want to check it out.

As always, hit reply if something in here hits home, or if you want to share the game you caught yourself playing.

Yours in conscious leadership,
Lavena

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