Happy Tuesday, founders,

A few weeks ago, I reunited with a good friend - someone I deeply admire. He's an industry leader, constantly invited to speak on global stages. People are drawn to him: charismatic, humorous, grounded. And yet, I found myself feeling unexpectedly tense before seeing him.

As we reconnected, I was reminded not only of how much I valued our relationship but also of who I was two years ago - uncertain, in transition, and quietly craving the confidence he so effortlessly carried. What I didn’t realize at the time was this:

I hadn’t just admired him.

I had projected the ideal version of myself onto him.

Some relationships spark collaboration, others confront us with ourselves. And that self-confrontation can be energizing, create a sense of connection and belonging, but it can also be uncomfortable. It could trigger self-doubt, anxiety, or even sadness.

In today’s piece, I’d like to explore what it means to see ourselves through someone else through a mirror, and what these reflections can teach us about our own identity in business.

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We often treat relationships in business as transactional: partnerships, investors, clients. But some of the most pivotal moments in a founder’s life don’t come from contracts - they come from connections that reflect something back to us.

In psychology, these experience are known as transference and projective identification.

For founders, these psychological mirrors can show up in the form of:

1. Transference

This is when we “transfer” past emotional templates onto present relationships. For example, you may unconsciously relate to your investor as you would a strict parent - craving approval, fearing disappointment, or over-explaining yourself to avoid conflict. Transference is intensified under stress, making it particularly relevant in high-pressure entrepreneurial environments.

2. Projective Identification

Unlike projection (e.g., “they’re arrogant” when it’s really our own ego flaring), this involves unconsciously inducing others to feel or act in line with our internal state. A founder struggling with imposter syndrome may over-rely on a confident co-founder, subtly pressuring them to "carry" the self-belief, only to resent them later for overshadowing.

When we unconsciously transfer internal thoughts, feelings, or beliefs onto another person, especially under stress. This is different from simple projection. Here, the other person doesn’t just reflect our inner world - they often start to embody it.

These mechanisms aren’t signs of dysfunction. They are clues — revealing unmet needs, unresolved wounds, or outdated relational scripts. They are deeply embedded defense mechanisms developed in early relational experiences. Psychoanalytic theorists like Melanie Klein and Wilfred Bion have written extensively on this. More recently, clinical research has explored how unresolved attachment wounds - especially in leadership - manifest in interpersonal dynamics (Holmes et al., 2018; Petriglieri, 2020).

What I experienced is far from rare. In object relations theory, Melanie Klein described how individuals unconsciously split off parts of the self - both good and bad - and project them onto others. This process, known as projective identification (Klein, 1946), is part of the natural psychological development we all undergo. When we idealize someone, we’re often unconsciously disowning positive aspects of ourselves - courage, ease, clarity - and locating them in the other.

But here’s the cost:

When we outsource our ideal self, we lose access to it.

Instead of integrating that potential, we reinforce the gap between where we are and where we think we should be. And the more we elevate someone else, the harder it becomes to meet them or ourselves as equals.

Startups aren’t built in isolation. They’re built on interactions. And when relational patterns go unchecked, they can:

Understanding transference and projection is not just therapy-speak - it’s a leadership skill. Especially for those building in emotionally intense, high-risk ecosystems. Leaders don’t just work with people. They work on people. And people work on them. In high-stakes environments, the unconscious gets louder.

The moment I noticed my pre-meeting tension, I paused. I asked myself:

The answer wasn’t obvious. But as we spoke, I realized: the traits I admire in him - clarity, humility, ease and empowerment, are not foreign to me. They’re mine too. I’d just been hesitant to own them.

In that moment, I didn’t need to “be more like him.”

I needed to remember who I already was - before fear, self-doubt, or comparison told me otherwise.

Here’s how to work with - not against - idealization and projection:

1. Translate admiration into integration

Ask yourself: “What exactly do I admire in this person? And how do I already live that - even in a small way?”

2. Practice emotional grounding before charged meetings

If you feel anxious or less confident before connecting with someone you admire, take a moment to name the emotion, reconnect with your values, and visualize entering the space as your full self.

3. Share from the middle, not the extremes

Let go of the urge to perform or to please. Practice showing up in real-time truth, not who you think you should be, not who you used to be.

4. Use relational tension as data

Feeling small, competitive, or dependent in someone’s presence? Get curious. These emotions are feedback loops from your nervous system, not verdicts on your worth.

Oftentimes, the line between our work and identity is paper-thin. That’s why relationships in this space often feel so charged. They're not just collaborators, they're mirrors.

And when we don't interrogate these dynamics, we risk:

As Brown (2021) notes in his work on leadership identity, founders often unconsciously "borrow" identities from others during periods of self-expansion, but that borrowing can turn into fusion or self-abandonment if left unexamined.

But remember: you’re not losing yourself - you’re expanding. You’re in the process of discovering who you really are. And that’s not just hard work - it’s the most important work we do.

Thank you to the friends who reflect, challenge, and help me grow. You make me better. ❤️

As always, hit reply if something in here hits home, or if you want to share the game you caught yourself playing.

Yours in conscious leadership,
Lavena

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